Seamen

Dear U.S. Armed Forces (yes Navy, I'm looking at you),

Let me start here by thanking you guys for your sacrifices and for defending our freedom and all that jazz. Let me close with asking you to please get back on your tugboats and leave.

Once a year, like clockwork, Fleet Week crashes our party here in NYC the week before Memorial Day. This is terrible for more reasons than I can count, but let's start with the first one on my mind: timing. You see, for the better part of 6 months, all of the attractive, single women have been hibernating indoors. It's a really interesting phenomenon here in New York, and one that some social scientist ought to document at some point. And right around May -- especially near Memorial Day -- these women start climbing out of sewers, and drainage pipes, and down from buildings, and the city is suddenly swarming with stunning women in sun dresses. And just like that, 6 months of cold and misery are wiped clean from our heads, and we remember why we spend all year dealing with ridiculous rents, horrendous subways, annoying tourists, and overpriced drinks. Suddenly all is right with the world again.

And then HERE COME THE SAILORS. In droves. Right when us hard working regular New Yorker guys are about to cash in, you come rolling in with your white suits and hats, and every single woman instantly becomes retarded. I mean, are the uniforms necessary? I have no problem with operating in a sausage-infested environment -- that's something that every guy has to face at some point, and fair odds are fair odds. But the uniforms totally skew the odds here, and this is totally a conspiracy to stack the decks in favor of you guys so that you can get a little action before you head back out to sea. You don't see Derek Jeter wearing his Yankees uniform out to the bars to get a leg up. HAVE YOU NO HONOR?

Remember the whole life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness bit? Well, your presence here is making me and my fellow American males decidedly unhappy. Screw Iraq, the real travesty is right here on our shores, in our major cities, and nobody is talking about it. Well it's about time someone deal with this right no...

Wait. What? You're telling me these guys have a CURFEW? They have to go back to sleep on their boats -- alone -- well before 2am??! CHRIST, YOU POOR BASTARDS. I take it all back. Beers on me tonight. :salute: