Coke

Dear Cola Drinkers Everywhere,

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Yesterday afternoon I got hit with a crushing migraine. As an aside, for folks who think they're smart but really aren't, no, a migraine isn't just a "bad headache." It's a whole different animal, and people have different experiences with them. My version starts with me losing part of my vision (I can't see in front of me, only peripherally -- I know, fucked up, right?), and then after a little while that part corrects and I have a crushing headache and want to throw up. Then I'm just exhausted. Bottom line, it sucks, and when it comes on, I'll do whatever I can to try and end it more quickly.

So, yesterday at my desk I feel one coming on, and I figure an emergency caffeine infusion might help here. So I hustle to the fridge, crack a Pepsi, and take a few sips. My god does this poison taste awful.

As a kid I'm sure I drank this garbage like the rest of fat, lazy America. But, at some point, I started to realize how horrendous it is. It's a vile concoction mixed up in drums in a lab. There's NOTHING redeeming about it. Nothing. It tastes like liquid garbage and, literally, has absolutely zero nutritional value. (Yes, that's what the Coke "Zero" means). Jesus, FOLKS USE THIS STUFF TO CLEAN THEIR CARS. And you're DRINKING it? What's worse is that lots of Americans aren't just sipping one or two to get wild on the weekend, but they'll guzzle three, six, even TWELVE of these things every day as they sit in their cubes and rot. Unbelievable.

And you folks drinking diet soda, thinking you're doing yourselves a favor? Absurd. In fact, arguably worse, because you people can't claim total ignorance. You actually understand that soda is vile, and so you drink soda's less-vile-but-still-retarded cousin.

I'll bet money that you people who are hammering sodas all day are the same folks who struggle to clean the cheeze doodle fuzz off your keyboards once a week.

DRINK WATER, PEOPLE. This isn't that difficult.