Jackhammer

Dear ConEd Guy Operating The Jackhammer Outside My Apartment at 1:43 AM,

It doesn't take a keen ear to realize that you're an annoying asshole.

I suppose it doesn't matter to you that some of us have work in the morning, because you have work right now, and technically it already is morning for you. But here's the difference -- when I shuffle papers across my desk tomorrow morning and F5 my Facebook page to death, I won't be doing any of that so loud that your teeth rattle. No, I'm fairly certainly you'll never know I even went to work. This is a completely different situation. WAY TO COMPARE APPLES AND ORANGES, JOHNNY HARDHAT.

And don't give me this "buddy, I'm just doing my job" bullshit. First off, we're not buddies. I hate you. Second, imagine if halfway through the attack on Pearl Harbor we pressed pause, and carted one of the Japanese pilots in and asked him, "dude, WHAT. THE. FUCK!?," and guy just threw up his hands and said "hey man, this wasn't my idea." THE HELL IT WASN'T. This was absolutely your idea the minute you plugged that thing in and started pummeling bedrock in the dead of night, which was coincidentally precisely the moment I and my neighbors decided we aren't very fond of you.

You know what? I'm coming over your house tomorrow when you're trying to sleep, and I'm bringing a stack of papers from work and the loudest stapler I can get my hands on, and I'm going to staple and read out loud and make obnoxious speakerphone conference calls about my fantasy football team. Oh, I'm sorry, is this annoying you? I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, GUY.