Manners

Dear Alvin,

Yes, I'm aware that's not really your name. But you're short, chubby, and have those round cheeks and that ultra blue-blood prepster thing going on, and I can totally imagine you wearing a big nerdy sweater with your first initial on it. Admit it, you have one in your closet at home, don't you. And your two friends there? Dead ringers for the other two, because you've got the tall lanky one with the glasses, and the middle-sized nondescript one, and you all look like you're out for a big night of Glee Club Gone Wild.

And you know what? I wouldn't even have said anything if you hadn't been rude. AND THEN FOLLOWED IT UP BY BEING FAUX THREATENING. Look, if you're gonna push past me at the bar to hand drinks to the rest of your a capella group -- and I appreciate that you don't want to spill your drink -- why not just hit me with an "excuse me"? You can do it in a single breath, and quietly, and it makes everyone including me a little less sad that we're packed into this bar like tuna in a net. But you didn't, so I excused you. "Oh, excuse you." I guess what I'm trying to say here is I DON'T KNOW WHAT PREP FARM YOU WERE RAISED ON, BUT THEY DID A SHITTY JOB OF TEACHING YOU MANNERS. And then you started getting feisty, and this is where I don't think you've done a very good job of evaluating the situation.

I'M TWICE YOUR SIZE, ALVIN. What are you trying to prove here? What exactly is your plan? This isn't a game of Who's Got The Most Popped Collar. If we go down this road I can only imagine one of two things happening, and neither of them is really any good for anyone, but in either event you end up looking even worse than you do now. IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. SERIOUSLY, DO YOU OWN A MIRROR? But look, this obviously is not why I'm here. I'm smiling, talking to a pretty girl, and enjoying the drinks and company after a long day in the office. I don't need to make you relive the horrors of your adolescent years, EVEN THOUGH I CAN. All I'm trying to say here, Al, is let's not do this, for everyone's sake.

Oh screw it. You know what? Schoolyard, 3pm. Bring your sweaters, I'll bring a big can of sit the fuck back down, and we can go from there.