FerrariCatastrophe

Dear Ferrari Guy for Hire,

Sweet Jesus. The next time I get into a debate about the existence of god with some religious nut, I'm sending them a link to your website, because I'm pretty sure you're proof positive that there is no god. There is no way that any all-seeing, all-knowing being would let this happen. I don't care about all the beauty in the world, and the complexity of our cardiovascular systems, and all that jazz -- if I were God, and I knew you'd be around one day, I'd have nuked the whole thing and started from scratch. Yes, you're that awful.

My short list of nits, in no particular order:

1. Why do you hate shirts?

2. Sammy Hagar must absolutely LOATHE you. Does he send you hate mail? Be honest here.

3. WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING GUITAR? ARE YOU GONNA PLAY IT WHILE YOU DRIVE ME AROUND? My favorite is the second picture in your gallery, in which you are hovering over the engine of the Ferrari as though you're working on it, and you're shirtless and, well obviously, HOLDING THE FUCKING GUITAR.

4. Does the coke come free with each ride, or is that extra?

5. You do weddings? And ANNIVERSARIES? Is ANYONE seriously taking you up on this? "Honey, so for my present to you this year, I'd like to put you in a red and gold Ferrari with the drummer from Stryper, and he'll be shirtless, and with his guitar, and you guys can do some lines off the dashboard."

6. One of the services you provide is "Special Gift." I'm almost afraid to ask.

7. How much do you HATE LamborghiniGuyForHire. You guys are like the retarded version of Batman and the Joker, except I can't figure out which one of you is the good guy.

8. 1985 called, and it wants to know if it left a gold chain and cross at your apartment last night.

9. "Most photographed man in the Country. Next to the President!!!" LOLZZZ!!11111tnger9

10. You're getting 300 bucks an hour for this? Please do me a favor and send me your customer list, so that I have a handy reference identifying people living on the west coast whose faces I'd like to punch. We're in a recession here, and I can't possibly think of a worse way to spend $300. Or an hour for that matter.

Ferrari Guy for Hire, I'm almost at a loss for words with you. The good news is that you've helped me decide to take on a destructive alcohol habit starting tonight, if only so that something interesting might happen and I don't have to write about iCatastrophes like you anymore.